I moved to Texas from Colorado in 2012, October to be more precise, and it was during that time that my ex-husband completely lost his mind. It must have been the grief of losing me that did it... Either way, he went from intolerable asshole up-close, to intolerable asshole from far away. This gave me the opportunity to breath and say, it's not his decision anymore. For a whole year it has taken me on a journey of self discovery, self assurance, and allowed myself to get drunk for the first time in years. When I say years, I really mean a decade, a whole 10 years of allowing myself to consume an alcoholic beverage but not to where I puke or get wobbly or lose control of my mouth. Plus we always had the boys to be responsible for. Now here's the part that lured you in... Getting to do what you want to do with the kids because "they" aren't around anymore. Isn't that what divorce is all about? Getting what you want finally?
My children, my boys who are 8 and 5 years old, got to shoot a .22 Rifle in our country yard. There are no neighbors to hit. There is nothing around for miles actually. We created a shooting range in our yard. I showed them the parts of the gun, every time we handled it, it was not loaded. Our mantra was Guns are not toys, they are weapons that can destroy. Only toy guns are toys, Guns are NOT toys. They were shown how to load the magazine, load a bullet and then take their time aiming and shooting the one bullet allowed to load. My 5 year old was not the best shot. I gave them 10 bullets each and he went through them one after the other, as fast as he could load the gun. My 8 year old on the other hand was a dead on shot at hitting the bowling pin that was propped on a log about 10-12 feet away. He would shoot, we would see the pin go down and I would take the gun. He would run over and check out his shot, I would take a picture of him with the gun on his shoulder and the pin and then I would take the gun back, we'd walk back over, he'd load, shoot, and hand me the gun. It went on this way all 10 times. It was great fun for the boys to shoot and they each got to keep 5 shells.
My ex-husband calls me up to tell me that my oldest son wants to talk to me 3 days after they've been at their dad's house but before he hands over the phone, he starts yelling at me. How dare I yell at his girlfriend for her parenting skills, I have no business doing that and I'm not mother of the year, How dare I let them shoot guns at their age, we should have gone to gun safety class before hand! You have to be 12 to go hunting~ and then he gives me to the boys. He doesn't even give me a chance to talk. All I could do was muffle some words out about being safe and that we were being extremely safe and that I never yelled at his girlfriend. What happened there was that his phone died at the airport so he would call her, she would call me and then I went to the wrong airport. How dare I do that.. I had received a text from him 3 days before their flight saying what airline and what airport. I had made a mistake. It all worked out in the end, their flight was delayed. On my way home, in the car, his girlfriend texted me. I felt I should mention a few of the things they said to me. This is what I said: "CJ is excited to see Dezi and Jason. Riley didn't want to go home and they both said you yelled at them a lot. They also complained of getting hit a lot." That was it. no caps lock, not even a single bad word. No threatening language. She texts back that it's because she is so loud. Then she calls me. She rambles on and on about how she just doesn't know what to do to get Riley to listen to her, she's tried everything, and well.. you cant beat them.. ahahaha. (I wasn't even smiling when she made that coment, how dare she even joke about that when I let her know my concern) and then she had to explain that she lost custody of her children because she moved too much. if only she had stayed one more month she would still have her children! My children told me that the kids had to move in with their father because Dezi got a spanking so hard it left a bruise. And they left it at that.
My feeling is that they are drinking a lot, I know "she" doesn't drink but she smokes a lot of pot. I imagine their relationship is somehow getting stressed.. probably because "he" isn't holding up his end of the bargain as far as parenting goes. I know "she" stressed that fact a lot, and I felt her pain because I know exactly what she is going through, and it is exactly why I left.
On the opposite spectrum, Ryan told me flat out that he isn't a parent, and he doesn't want to be a father. While my children were staying with us, when one of them were right there in their rooms. How embarrassing for me. All I did was talk about how different and good the change will be. How good it will be to have him in our lives instead of just their dad. How he wanted to eat diner at the kitchen table, which we still haven't bought... which I had but left because I didn't have anyone to help me move it. It's just that the more I think about how life is and what I've been experiencing, the more I realize I live in a fantasy world too often. I idealize situations that I think will change things for the better. I make those changes and more often than not, those situations are not what I envisioned. AT ALL.
I guess it's time to pick myself up from the mucky gross mud I fell flat on my face in. Brush off the mud, maybe take a shower.. and just deal with what ever comes my way, on my own.. by my self.
