So with this flood of spiritual leadership happening on a global scale and with the impeding disasters flooding our social media it is apparentbthat it is the end of the world... As we know it to be right now.
There is such a thing as the illuminati and they are working on a new world order which isnt going to happen. They have been working on it for centuries.. But it aint gunna happen cap'n. Right now the world as we know it is coming to a screetching halt and you better have your seatbelt on tight. What i mean by that is know that it is our actions that ripple through time and it is our legacy that we leave behind.. We should be teaching good things like how to keep this earth clean instead if polluting it so badly. We should not be taking the oil, that is her blood. We should not be hurting but repairing this earth for it is the only place we can be free to make our own choices and love and explore and feel...
It seems to me that they are going on retreats and learning but the ego is still in the way lots i see alot of "selfi" pics and im like what does your face have anything to do with your ability to channel into the spirit realms and help my soul?! Lol i mean seriously.. I dont care about your looks and your money spending habits.. They blast themselves all over these groups like cheap whores. Lol i dislike it very much. I read a lot. Everyday. Books, comments, articles, i LOVE learning.. I would rather learn something than talk to people. I had to change my fb settings around so that i would see the people i wanted to see posts.. And i chose groups like gardening and spiritually uplifting. And less people.. Lol i just couldnt deal with their negativity.. It was always bringing me down. And i read the four agreements by Don muigel ruiz and so i would remind myself that they are but reflections. So i stopped looking into the mirror so to speak and i focused on learninf sustainable living practices and herbal practices and did more painting and then reality set in and my long time friend and then bf went back to drugs and i had to move and then i just tumbled around for 2 years with my biys learning about spirituality and dived deepwr into myself and what i needed and wanted in life and then i met my twin flame when it was the right time and we tumbled through life together and here we are in the end times.. Trying to figure things out together.. Waking up.. Reaching out to other like minded individuals because god knows not everyone wants to wake up.. Some are super content being slaves but not me. And the more research i do the more i want to wake people up the more i am told to juat focus on me and live my life and they will come to me inatead if me reaching out to them. Lol so.. Stay true to my beliefs bwcause they are righteous and be a good person always. Dont worry about the small stuff but to me some of the small stuff is the big stuff. I just dont see how theae people can try teaching peoplw what they know and make miney but hoard it.. And im over here like.. I wanna learn too but i dont have the money and they are like too bad soooo sad fir you. When you get the money come back to me and thwn i will share my knowlwdge. Mwuahahaa. Ugh. So i just learn what i can with free pdfs and lots of videos on youtube.. I have to comb through lit to find the truth.. And i do standing and breathing exercises outside in the back yard to help ground me. I have a journal that i write positive things in.. Goals and thenbi write things i have learned like keeping poaitice intentions and it has coloring pages so when i am done writinf i try coloring and thinking about it.. Puttinf it out there. Its a slow process but i feel good about it all. :)
Friday, September 8, 2017
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Sexual abuse and the use of drugs and alcohol.
I lost everything I had ever owned and became homeless at the age of 36. I did however have my two amazingly strong willed and intelligent boys and my courageous and spiritually uplifting twinflame.
It all in 2012 when I left my alocholic, sex addict, closet meth addicted husband and tried to move forward with my life by living with another meth addict who was trying to make me be in an open relationship where I had a girlfriend and he explored his own sexuality. I didnt know he was addicted to meth. He hid that from me on purpose because he knew I wouldnt want to be with him if I knew. He was my firat kiss from childhhod. Were friends for 23 years. Thought I could trust him. So, I moved all the way to East Texas to live with him, faaaaaar away from my children only to realize I made a huge mistake, but I was stuck in the fantasy that he would get clean and he would end up being the most amazing step dad to my children because he could relate to them as he also has a brother 3 years younger than him. We moved to East Texas because he was working in West Texas on an oil rig and his boss said east texas was beautiful. It is exactly like montana where we grew up. I felt at home. We couldnt live in Colorado because he had a felony drug charge from 1999. He said that was in his past and was no longer involved with drugs, he was lying right to my face and I even know it. I was living in a fantasy world. I would have 2 weeks all to myself because he worked on an oil rig. This was a glorious moment in my life because I had just spent the last 8 years dealing with an emotional, mental, and sexually abusive alcoholic who was quietly doing coke and meth behind my back. He told Ashley, the woman he lived with while I was with Ryan in Texas, that I was too stupid and naieve to know when he was on drugs so who knows how much he did or how often as I was being lied to a daily basis. Because my background of growing up in rural montana made me naieve to the drug using world I had no idea the behaviors of a drug addict were let alone what drugs looked like or where one might keep them.
It was glorious because it was the first time I was alone in life and i sat out on a boat dock on a lake in comeplete peace and wrote. I wrote about my life and i forgave everyone I am about to write about and I found inner peace.
I gave up my naivety when I moved in with Ryan. He taught me about letting loose and how to be a functional user of drugs and alcohol. When I was living with Ryan, his brother came down to visit and he brough a shitload of meth with him. A shitload of weed which I smoked the shit out of because I was actually scared to be around meth and all these people just nonchalantly smoking it. It was the first time I had ever been exposed to it. It made me high but not in a good way. Not the way marijuana makes me feel high or good. It was a bad high, an awake high. It would make me be awake for 3 days in a row. I would be hungry but I would chew and chew and chew and never feel like swallowing. I took pictures of myself to see if I could see a difference. I would be out in public and wonder if people could tell. I know I can tell the difference when someone is stoned on marijuana vs meth, but only a habitual user of meth because they have warning signs. Like irritability, every little thing makes them react.. In a big way. They have zero patience. Zero patience for kids, noises, people around them. Its as if their heightened senses make them unable to handle life any more. They want to clean, organize, rearrange, be alone, tear things apart and then try to put it back together. They want to have sex for extended periods of time. Men want to have prostrates tickled. Meth turns men gay. There is a "gay agenda" put of by the "devil" because meth was created by the devil, just like religion was. (Side : bith Jarrod and Ryan had gay relationships without me and kept it secret from me. Jarrods was before me, which he confessed . Ryan put a craigslist ad out saying he had meth and wanted to get fuck and suck a cock after getting really high) Meth stimulates the mind. It called to , it had a womans voice that said my name. It said come over here and smoke me, I know you . i didnt ever again. That freaked me out and i realized that it was calling to me, thats how they get addicted. I am not addicted to anything. I used to smoke ciggerettes. i quit in 2014 and havent looked back. I started smoking because Elke the german foreign exchange student we had in High School did and she said it made me look cool and sexy and showed me hold it so i looked sexy while doing it. I smoked for 16 years.
Everytime I encountered one of these aspects of the user, I had a flashback of Jarrod and I realized when he was on drugs. Everytime he was on something and had to have sex. I was his sex meat puppet. Made for his pleasure and he did sexually toturous things to me. The kind of porn he was into was abusive porn. He wanted to emulate it and i played the part. i was an actress and i was playing the part of a whore. I was taught this behavior over the course of my life. i have been sexually abused my whole life. This is my story.
Parts and pieces. Memories. Flashbacks. Parts of my life that few people know of. My partner today knows everything. I have healed over the years. I have come to forgive myself for being taught to be a sex kitten, a cum guzzling super whore. It makes you feel ashamed of yourself and keeps you in the low frequency vibrations. Makes you feel guilty for your feelings and your actions. Makes you do drugs and alcohol to feel something other than hatred for yourself and pain in your heart. It certainly doesnt make you feel happy although it maskes itself as happiness.
I was a loner as a child because of my starseed origins. I was more of an observer throughout life. Like a disconnected human driving a body that I barely knew how to operate. I have been this way all of my life. If you know who the Spok from the show star Trek, thats how I have felt all my life. Disconnected.
When I was a small child, in a crib, i would rock myself to sleep. Lay on my side and throw myself forward and back, rocking on my shoulder. When I was awake I wanted to rock while sitting. I rocked in my sleep til i was 15 when i started becoming interested in sex and wantwd to sleep with my , i thought what would he say me thrashing around in bed to get to sleep. If I was on a stationary chair i would slide my hands in between the top back cushion and the butt cushion, grab hold of the top cushion and proceed to lean forward and throw myself backwards, bouncing my body off the chair. Just like swinging in a swing. My family was worried about brain damage. I was born in 1981. Not only was my mom 42 when she had me which put me in a category for at risk for retardation but after I was born I was lactose intolerant which made me have gas all the time which is painful and it made me cry a lot as a baby. Gas pains all my life... Feels like a knife has been stabbed into my vagina and rectum and once in awhile it moves which causes a sharp pain deep inside. It sucks. So not only did they think I was retarded but I cried a lot. Then I was molested by this guy my mom and dad were trying to help out. They moved some homeless guy in to their home and he molested me and abused me and taught my brother who is 9 years older than me that it was ok to treat me that way and it was ok to practice sex on me. As far as I can remember he only finger touched my vagina. He was about 14 and I was about 5. We had just moved to a new bigger town, my mom and dad just got divorced and he moved back to Texas because my mom was making it hard for him to see me at all. I was told that when i turned 13 I would be able to choose where I lived. I chose to live with my mom because i wanted to be taken care , not be the care taker of a parent. I didnt want to clean the house, i wanted a clean house to live in. My mom didnt make me do my own laundry or wash the dishes or clean the house. I had no chores. I was free.
After moving to havre when i was 5, after my brother woke me up in the middle of the night to ask me if he could tickle my pitty potty and ask me if it felt .. I told my mom. I was intrigued by this new tickle and wanted to do it to myself all the time to which my brother told me no and that if i did it he would hurt me. He hurt me a lot in my life. when i became a teenager i realized i could hurt him back and did so . i thought it was normal brother sister picking on each other. When i was little, 6 and 7 i lived close to my sisters apartment building and they had a playground there where all the neighbirhoid kids play. I would go over there and play with my twin nieces and nephew and "watch" them because i was older. There was an older boy who lived around there and he would choke me and hit me to the ground. He would punch me in my stomache and call me names and say bad things to me. He would be my 3rd male abuser now. I took the abuse so that he wouldnt pick on the other kids. I had literally been abused every year of my life. I went to school and abused other kids. I would say mean things to them and kick them just to be mean however i knew immediatly that it was wrong and it didnt make me feel good. . I was learning hate and i was getting no loving attention at home. My mother was being secretly abused by her new husband who was a closet alcoholic. When he got drunk at home one day he started abusing my mom and I ran downstairs. I remember hearing her cry out and being strangled my the telephone cord. I honestly cant remember how it stopped. I remember we moved after that. I remember that house and how it had a locking downstairs. It had a one bedroom apt in the basement with its own entance to the outside. i remember before he abused her and after my brother graduated high school she moved me down there and told me to lock the door always. I remember how he used to walk by me and grab my leg, my thigh and squeeze and he would squeeze up my thigh near my crotch but never on my crotch. But close. My mom worked nights . my brother was in high school living in the apt . i wet the bed til i was 10. I was a deep sleeper. Was a deep sleeper because i was being molested in my sleep.. I have blocked it so i cant be for sure but thats when the majority of the molestation had happened.
When i was 13 we were living with my moms first husband Jon, my brother and sisters' dad. Mom and Jon had 5 kids. 2 girls. 10 years later 2 more , both 1 yr apart from each other. And then my brother was a few years younger.. I dont know exactly and i dont care about the details. I am 9 years younger than my brother and i have a diff father. I am called a change of life baby. Mother was 42 and thought she couldnt have any more babies.
So, my mother has escaped her alcoholic 3rd and is now seeking refuge in her 1st husbands house. We live upstairs and he stays downstairs and we have dinner together and i wonder they ever got a divorce in the first place. So I turn 13 and stay with my sister for a summer in colorado. She tries to dye my hair but it turns orange. I had walked in some sticky nettle back home in the mountains in montana and the nettle stung , when i itch the stings it releases a dye and now my legs are stained blotchy red all summer. In colorado i meet a cute boy who is the same age as me. We kiss all summer and back home i am being pressured to lose my virginity. This group of older boys wants to be the first.. They are all competing and on which one i will go for. I pressure this boy to have sex with me but we never do. I am thankful and relieved because i dont feel ready. I go back home and am filled with stories about how fucked up my mom is and how her her 1st husband had performed witchcraft and various rituals out on their farm in shelby. My sister tells me stories about having to stay out on the porch where strange things happen. She tells me how scary it was growing up with them and how scared she is for me. i am intregued by the witchcraft stories because i feel as though i am a natural witch, a pagan by nature. This is about the time i start listening to the Eurythmics and talking to Jon about life . One day my guy friends drive to my house and want to take me for a drive around the block because he just got his license. These are the good boys and not the ones pressuring me to lose my virginity. Jon comes out of the house and starts yelling at me and yelling at the boys loses his shit completly.. We move into our own place. Just me and my mom. The next summer I go back to colorado and my sisters husband takes me out and drives me around colorado. He stops and gets a few 4 pks of wine coolers and we drive around colorado and he lets me drink. He says we need to stop at the park and get rid of the bottles because my sister would kill him if she found out he let me drink. Then he gives me a piggy backridev to the garbage and a ride back. Then i get off his back when we get to the van and he pushes me against the van and starts to feel me up and kissing my neck and forcing hmself on me. He keeps trying to pull my bra down and trying to get my cloths off and opens the vannand tried to get in there. I am crying no and to stop, pulling my shirt down and moving away from his alcohol drenched breath while blocking his hands and moving away from the door.. Whole time. It kissing him back not giving cnt in any way.he is telling nebtt itbis ok. He get me pregnant because he had vasectomy. I am telling him it is not ok because he is my sisters husband. I am 14. I am told to go find some kids my age and to hang out with them by my sister. I meet a boy at a grocery store down the road from where she lives. He takes me to the movies. We walk to the movie theatre, stop at a where there are some kids and smoke weed with them but it is laced with PCP. I am not aware of this. We then go to wendys where i start tripping and the cashiers voice is quiet and i have a hard time hearing her. then i order but she has a time hearing me so get louder. Then everything goes into purple and white heat sensor and i realize something is wrong and i go sit down. I see a mother and daughter sitting close by and i think i might not ever see my mom again. I think about how i have no ID and that i could die soon and no one woud ever know the truth and i might be on one of those runaway posters. I feel bad for my mom she would think the wrong things. It was a very scary moment for me. We left and went to the movies where we made out and then i went to his friends house. Basically it was a single dad who cared very much for all these kids who lived in his apt complex. This boy had been kicked out by his mom. He was missing a front tooth and prided himself on being irish and a fighter. He was my protector against jeff. This boy slipped his dick into my ass when we were having sex and i was on top. At least i wwasntgoing to get pregnant. I wasnt on birth control yet. I mostly just wanted to make out. I was hell bent on not giving a shit about feelings of any kind no one was safe. I had saved myself for "the one " a football player with blue eyes and blonde hair. Another virgin. A taurus. The kid of a farmer. Good kid. I only wanted one partner forever. i wanted the love of my life. I wanted to lose my virginity to him and for him to love me forever and it didnt matter that there were other men out there..as long as he loved me and protected me and kept me safe from all men then he was all i needed and the desire to be with other men wouldnt matter because all my needs were being met. Thats not how he saw it. He cheated on me and it broke my heart into million pieces. I wouldnt take anyone seriously for a very long time. I would be the one to break hearts and i did.
It all in 2012 when I left my alocholic, sex addict, closet meth addicted husband and tried to move forward with my life by living with another meth addict who was trying to make me be in an open relationship where I had a girlfriend and he explored his own sexuality. I didnt know he was addicted to meth. He hid that from me on purpose because he knew I wouldnt want to be with him if I knew. He was my firat kiss from childhhod. Were friends for 23 years. Thought I could trust him. So, I moved all the way to East Texas to live with him, faaaaaar away from my children only to realize I made a huge mistake, but I was stuck in the fantasy that he would get clean and he would end up being the most amazing step dad to my children because he could relate to them as he also has a brother 3 years younger than him. We moved to East Texas because he was working in West Texas on an oil rig and his boss said east texas was beautiful. It is exactly like montana where we grew up. I felt at home. We couldnt live in Colorado because he had a felony drug charge from 1999. He said that was in his past and was no longer involved with drugs, he was lying right to my face and I even know it. I was living in a fantasy world. I would have 2 weeks all to myself because he worked on an oil rig. This was a glorious moment in my life because I had just spent the last 8 years dealing with an emotional, mental, and sexually abusive alcoholic who was quietly doing coke and meth behind my back. He told Ashley, the woman he lived with while I was with Ryan in Texas, that I was too stupid and naieve to know when he was on drugs so who knows how much he did or how often as I was being lied to a daily basis. Because my background of growing up in rural montana made me naieve to the drug using world I had no idea the behaviors of a drug addict were let alone what drugs looked like or where one might keep them.
It was glorious because it was the first time I was alone in life and i sat out on a boat dock on a lake in comeplete peace and wrote. I wrote about my life and i forgave everyone I am about to write about and I found inner peace.
I gave up my naivety when I moved in with Ryan. He taught me about letting loose and how to be a functional user of drugs and alcohol. When I was living with Ryan, his brother came down to visit and he brough a shitload of meth with him. A shitload of weed which I smoked the shit out of because I was actually scared to be around meth and all these people just nonchalantly smoking it. It was the first time I had ever been exposed to it. It made me high but not in a good way. Not the way marijuana makes me feel high or good. It was a bad high, an awake high. It would make me be awake for 3 days in a row. I would be hungry but I would chew and chew and chew and never feel like swallowing. I took pictures of myself to see if I could see a difference. I would be out in public and wonder if people could tell. I know I can tell the difference when someone is stoned on marijuana vs meth, but only a habitual user of meth because they have warning signs. Like irritability, every little thing makes them react.. In a big way. They have zero patience. Zero patience for kids, noises, people around them. Its as if their heightened senses make them unable to handle life any more. They want to clean, organize, rearrange, be alone, tear things apart and then try to put it back together. They want to have sex for extended periods of time. Men want to have prostrates tickled. Meth turns men gay. There is a "gay agenda" put of by the "devil" because meth was created by the devil, just like religion was. (Side : bith Jarrod and Ryan had gay relationships without me and kept it secret from me. Jarrods was before me, which he confessed . Ryan put a craigslist ad out saying he had meth and wanted to get fuck and suck a cock after getting really high) Meth stimulates the mind. It called to , it had a womans voice that said my name. It said come over here and smoke me, I know you . i didnt ever again. That freaked me out and i realized that it was calling to me, thats how they get addicted. I am not addicted to anything. I used to smoke ciggerettes. i quit in 2014 and havent looked back. I started smoking because Elke the german foreign exchange student we had in High School did and she said it made me look cool and sexy and showed me hold it so i looked sexy while doing it. I smoked for 16 years.
Everytime I encountered one of these aspects of the user, I had a flashback of Jarrod and I realized when he was on drugs. Everytime he was on something and had to have sex. I was his sex meat puppet. Made for his pleasure and he did sexually toturous things to me. The kind of porn he was into was abusive porn. He wanted to emulate it and i played the part. i was an actress and i was playing the part of a whore. I was taught this behavior over the course of my life. i have been sexually abused my whole life. This is my story.
Parts and pieces. Memories. Flashbacks. Parts of my life that few people know of. My partner today knows everything. I have healed over the years. I have come to forgive myself for being taught to be a sex kitten, a cum guzzling super whore. It makes you feel ashamed of yourself and keeps you in the low frequency vibrations. Makes you feel guilty for your feelings and your actions. Makes you do drugs and alcohol to feel something other than hatred for yourself and pain in your heart. It certainly doesnt make you feel happy although it maskes itself as happiness.
I was a loner as a child because of my starseed origins. I was more of an observer throughout life. Like a disconnected human driving a body that I barely knew how to operate. I have been this way all of my life. If you know who the Spok from the show star Trek, thats how I have felt all my life. Disconnected.
When I was a small child, in a crib, i would rock myself to sleep. Lay on my side and throw myself forward and back, rocking on my shoulder. When I was awake I wanted to rock while sitting. I rocked in my sleep til i was 15 when i started becoming interested in sex and wantwd to sleep with my , i thought what would he say me thrashing around in bed to get to sleep. If I was on a stationary chair i would slide my hands in between the top back cushion and the butt cushion, grab hold of the top cushion and proceed to lean forward and throw myself backwards, bouncing my body off the chair. Just like swinging in a swing. My family was worried about brain damage. I was born in 1981. Not only was my mom 42 when she had me which put me in a category for at risk for retardation but after I was born I was lactose intolerant which made me have gas all the time which is painful and it made me cry a lot as a baby. Gas pains all my life... Feels like a knife has been stabbed into my vagina and rectum and once in awhile it moves which causes a sharp pain deep inside. It sucks. So not only did they think I was retarded but I cried a lot. Then I was molested by this guy my mom and dad were trying to help out. They moved some homeless guy in to their home and he molested me and abused me and taught my brother who is 9 years older than me that it was ok to treat me that way and it was ok to practice sex on me. As far as I can remember he only finger touched my vagina. He was about 14 and I was about 5. We had just moved to a new bigger town, my mom and dad just got divorced and he moved back to Texas because my mom was making it hard for him to see me at all. I was told that when i turned 13 I would be able to choose where I lived. I chose to live with my mom because i wanted to be taken care , not be the care taker of a parent. I didnt want to clean the house, i wanted a clean house to live in. My mom didnt make me do my own laundry or wash the dishes or clean the house. I had no chores. I was free.
After moving to havre when i was 5, after my brother woke me up in the middle of the night to ask me if he could tickle my pitty potty and ask me if it felt .. I told my mom. I was intrigued by this new tickle and wanted to do it to myself all the time to which my brother told me no and that if i did it he would hurt me. He hurt me a lot in my life. when i became a teenager i realized i could hurt him back and did so . i thought it was normal brother sister picking on each other. When i was little, 6 and 7 i lived close to my sisters apartment building and they had a playground there where all the neighbirhoid kids play. I would go over there and play with my twin nieces and nephew and "watch" them because i was older. There was an older boy who lived around there and he would choke me and hit me to the ground. He would punch me in my stomache and call me names and say bad things to me. He would be my 3rd male abuser now. I took the abuse so that he wouldnt pick on the other kids. I had literally been abused every year of my life. I went to school and abused other kids. I would say mean things to them and kick them just to be mean however i knew immediatly that it was wrong and it didnt make me feel good. . I was learning hate and i was getting no loving attention at home. My mother was being secretly abused by her new husband who was a closet alcoholic. When he got drunk at home one day he started abusing my mom and I ran downstairs. I remember hearing her cry out and being strangled my the telephone cord. I honestly cant remember how it stopped. I remember we moved after that. I remember that house and how it had a locking downstairs. It had a one bedroom apt in the basement with its own entance to the outside. i remember before he abused her and after my brother graduated high school she moved me down there and told me to lock the door always. I remember how he used to walk by me and grab my leg, my thigh and squeeze and he would squeeze up my thigh near my crotch but never on my crotch. But close. My mom worked nights . my brother was in high school living in the apt . i wet the bed til i was 10. I was a deep sleeper. Was a deep sleeper because i was being molested in my sleep.. I have blocked it so i cant be for sure but thats when the majority of the molestation had happened.
When i was 13 we were living with my moms first husband Jon, my brother and sisters' dad. Mom and Jon had 5 kids. 2 girls. 10 years later 2 more , both 1 yr apart from each other. And then my brother was a few years younger.. I dont know exactly and i dont care about the details. I am 9 years younger than my brother and i have a diff father. I am called a change of life baby. Mother was 42 and thought she couldnt have any more babies.
So, my mother has escaped her alcoholic 3rd and is now seeking refuge in her 1st husbands house. We live upstairs and he stays downstairs and we have dinner together and i wonder they ever got a divorce in the first place. So I turn 13 and stay with my sister for a summer in colorado. She tries to dye my hair but it turns orange. I had walked in some sticky nettle back home in the mountains in montana and the nettle stung , when i itch the stings it releases a dye and now my legs are stained blotchy red all summer. In colorado i meet a cute boy who is the same age as me. We kiss all summer and back home i am being pressured to lose my virginity. This group of older boys wants to be the first.. They are all competing and on which one i will go for. I pressure this boy to have sex with me but we never do. I am thankful and relieved because i dont feel ready. I go back home and am filled with stories about how fucked up my mom is and how her her 1st husband had performed witchcraft and various rituals out on their farm in shelby. My sister tells me stories about having to stay out on the porch where strange things happen. She tells me how scary it was growing up with them and how scared she is for me. i am intregued by the witchcraft stories because i feel as though i am a natural witch, a pagan by nature. This is about the time i start listening to the Eurythmics and talking to Jon about life . One day my guy friends drive to my house and want to take me for a drive around the block because he just got his license. These are the good boys and not the ones pressuring me to lose my virginity. Jon comes out of the house and starts yelling at me and yelling at the boys loses his shit completly.. We move into our own place. Just me and my mom. The next summer I go back to colorado and my sisters husband takes me out and drives me around colorado. He stops and gets a few 4 pks of wine coolers and we drive around colorado and he lets me drink. He says we need to stop at the park and get rid of the bottles because my sister would kill him if she found out he let me drink. Then he gives me a piggy backridev to the garbage and a ride back. Then i get off his back when we get to the van and he pushes me against the van and starts to feel me up and kissing my neck and forcing hmself on me. He keeps trying to pull my bra down and trying to get my cloths off and opens the vannand tried to get in there. I am crying no and to stop, pulling my shirt down and moving away from his alcohol drenched breath while blocking his hands and moving away from the door.. Whole time. It kissing him back not giving cnt in any way.he is telling nebtt itbis ok. He get me pregnant because he had vasectomy. I am telling him it is not ok because he is my sisters husband. I am 14. I am told to go find some kids my age and to hang out with them by my sister. I meet a boy at a grocery store down the road from where she lives. He takes me to the movies. We walk to the movie theatre, stop at a where there are some kids and smoke weed with them but it is laced with PCP. I am not aware of this. We then go to wendys where i start tripping and the cashiers voice is quiet and i have a hard time hearing her. then i order but she has a time hearing me so get louder. Then everything goes into purple and white heat sensor and i realize something is wrong and i go sit down. I see a mother and daughter sitting close by and i think i might not ever see my mom again. I think about how i have no ID and that i could die soon and no one woud ever know the truth and i might be on one of those runaway posters. I feel bad for my mom she would think the wrong things. It was a very scary moment for me. We left and went to the movies where we made out and then i went to his friends house. Basically it was a single dad who cared very much for all these kids who lived in his apt complex. This boy had been kicked out by his mom. He was missing a front tooth and prided himself on being irish and a fighter. He was my protector against jeff. This boy slipped his dick into my ass when we were having sex and i was on top. At least i wwasntgoing to get pregnant. I wasnt on birth control yet. I mostly just wanted to make out. I was hell bent on not giving a shit about feelings of any kind no one was safe. I had saved myself for "the one " a football player with blue eyes and blonde hair. Another virgin. A taurus. The kid of a farmer. Good kid. I only wanted one partner forever. i wanted the love of my life. I wanted to lose my virginity to him and for him to love me forever and it didnt matter that there were other men out there..as long as he loved me and protected me and kept me safe from all men then he was all i needed and the desire to be with other men wouldnt matter because all my needs were being met. Thats not how he saw it. He cheated on me and it broke my heart into million pieces. I wouldnt take anyone seriously for a very long time. I would be the one to break hearts and i did.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Isn't that what divorce is?
I moved to Texas from Colorado in 2012, October to be more precise, and it was during that time that my ex-husband completely lost his mind. It must have been the grief of losing me that did it... Either way, he went from intolerable asshole up-close, to intolerable asshole from far away. This gave me the opportunity to breath and say, it's not his decision anymore. For a whole year it has taken me on a journey of self discovery, self assurance, and allowed myself to get drunk for the first time in years. When I say years, I really mean a decade, a whole 10 years of allowing myself to consume an alcoholic beverage but not to where I puke or get wobbly or lose control of my mouth. Plus we always had the boys to be responsible for. Now here's the part that lured you in... Getting to do what you want to do with the kids because "they" aren't around anymore. Isn't that what divorce is all about? Getting what you want finally?
My children, my boys who are 8 and 5 years old, got to shoot a .22 Rifle in our country yard. There are no neighbors to hit. There is nothing around for miles actually. We created a shooting range in our yard. I showed them the parts of the gun, every time we handled it, it was not loaded. Our mantra was Guns are not toys, they are weapons that can destroy. Only toy guns are toys, Guns are NOT toys. They were shown how to load the magazine, load a bullet and then take their time aiming and shooting the one bullet allowed to load. My 5 year old was not the best shot. I gave them 10 bullets each and he went through them one after the other, as fast as he could load the gun. My 8 year old on the other hand was a dead on shot at hitting the bowling pin that was propped on a log about 10-12 feet away. He would shoot, we would see the pin go down and I would take the gun. He would run over and check out his shot, I would take a picture of him with the gun on his shoulder and the pin and then I would take the gun back, we'd walk back over, he'd load, shoot, and hand me the gun. It went on this way all 10 times. It was great fun for the boys to shoot and they each got to keep 5 shells.
My ex-husband calls me up to tell me that my oldest son wants to talk to me 3 days after they've been at their dad's house but before he hands over the phone, he starts yelling at me. How dare I yell at his girlfriend for her parenting skills, I have no business doing that and I'm not mother of the year, How dare I let them shoot guns at their age, we should have gone to gun safety class before hand! You have to be 12 to go hunting~ and then he gives me to the boys. He doesn't even give me a chance to talk. All I could do was muffle some words out about being safe and that we were being extremely safe and that I never yelled at his girlfriend. What happened there was that his phone died at the airport so he would call her, she would call me and then I went to the wrong airport. How dare I do that.. I had received a text from him 3 days before their flight saying what airline and what airport. I had made a mistake. It all worked out in the end, their flight was delayed. On my way home, in the car, his girlfriend texted me. I felt I should mention a few of the things they said to me. This is what I said: "CJ is excited to see Dezi and Jason. Riley didn't want to go home and they both said you yelled at them a lot. They also complained of getting hit a lot." That was it. no caps lock, not even a single bad word. No threatening language. She texts back that it's because she is so loud. Then she calls me. She rambles on and on about how she just doesn't know what to do to get Riley to listen to her, she's tried everything, and well.. you cant beat them.. ahahaha. (I wasn't even smiling when she made that coment, how dare she even joke about that when I let her know my concern) and then she had to explain that she lost custody of her children because she moved too much. if only she had stayed one more month she would still have her children! My children told me that the kids had to move in with their father because Dezi got a spanking so hard it left a bruise. And they left it at that.
My feeling is that they are drinking a lot, I know "she" doesn't drink but she smokes a lot of pot. I imagine their relationship is somehow getting stressed.. probably because "he" isn't holding up his end of the bargain as far as parenting goes. I know "she" stressed that fact a lot, and I felt her pain because I know exactly what she is going through, and it is exactly why I left.
On the opposite spectrum, Ryan told me flat out that he isn't a parent, and he doesn't want to be a father. While my children were staying with us, when one of them were right there in their rooms. How embarrassing for me. All I did was talk about how different and good the change will be. How good it will be to have him in our lives instead of just their dad. How he wanted to eat diner at the kitchen table, which we still haven't bought... which I had but left because I didn't have anyone to help me move it. It's just that the more I think about how life is and what I've been experiencing, the more I realize I live in a fantasy world too often. I idealize situations that I think will change things for the better. I make those changes and more often than not, those situations are not what I envisioned. AT ALL.
I guess it's time to pick myself up from the mucky gross mud I fell flat on my face in. Brush off the mud, maybe take a shower.. and just deal with what ever comes my way, on my own.. by my self.
My children, my boys who are 8 and 5 years old, got to shoot a .22 Rifle in our country yard. There are no neighbors to hit. There is nothing around for miles actually. We created a shooting range in our yard. I showed them the parts of the gun, every time we handled it, it was not loaded. Our mantra was Guns are not toys, they are weapons that can destroy. Only toy guns are toys, Guns are NOT toys. They were shown how to load the magazine, load a bullet and then take their time aiming and shooting the one bullet allowed to load. My 5 year old was not the best shot. I gave them 10 bullets each and he went through them one after the other, as fast as he could load the gun. My 8 year old on the other hand was a dead on shot at hitting the bowling pin that was propped on a log about 10-12 feet away. He would shoot, we would see the pin go down and I would take the gun. He would run over and check out his shot, I would take a picture of him with the gun on his shoulder and the pin and then I would take the gun back, we'd walk back over, he'd load, shoot, and hand me the gun. It went on this way all 10 times. It was great fun for the boys to shoot and they each got to keep 5 shells.
My ex-husband calls me up to tell me that my oldest son wants to talk to me 3 days after they've been at their dad's house but before he hands over the phone, he starts yelling at me. How dare I yell at his girlfriend for her parenting skills, I have no business doing that and I'm not mother of the year, How dare I let them shoot guns at their age, we should have gone to gun safety class before hand! You have to be 12 to go hunting~ and then he gives me to the boys. He doesn't even give me a chance to talk. All I could do was muffle some words out about being safe and that we were being extremely safe and that I never yelled at his girlfriend. What happened there was that his phone died at the airport so he would call her, she would call me and then I went to the wrong airport. How dare I do that.. I had received a text from him 3 days before their flight saying what airline and what airport. I had made a mistake. It all worked out in the end, their flight was delayed. On my way home, in the car, his girlfriend texted me. I felt I should mention a few of the things they said to me. This is what I said: "CJ is excited to see Dezi and Jason. Riley didn't want to go home and they both said you yelled at them a lot. They also complained of getting hit a lot." That was it. no caps lock, not even a single bad word. No threatening language. She texts back that it's because she is so loud. Then she calls me. She rambles on and on about how she just doesn't know what to do to get Riley to listen to her, she's tried everything, and well.. you cant beat them.. ahahaha. (I wasn't even smiling when she made that coment, how dare she even joke about that when I let her know my concern) and then she had to explain that she lost custody of her children because she moved too much. if only she had stayed one more month she would still have her children! My children told me that the kids had to move in with their father because Dezi got a spanking so hard it left a bruise. And they left it at that.
My feeling is that they are drinking a lot, I know "she" doesn't drink but she smokes a lot of pot. I imagine their relationship is somehow getting stressed.. probably because "he" isn't holding up his end of the bargain as far as parenting goes. I know "she" stressed that fact a lot, and I felt her pain because I know exactly what she is going through, and it is exactly why I left.
On the opposite spectrum, Ryan told me flat out that he isn't a parent, and he doesn't want to be a father. While my children were staying with us, when one of them were right there in their rooms. How embarrassing for me. All I did was talk about how different and good the change will be. How good it will be to have him in our lives instead of just their dad. How he wanted to eat diner at the kitchen table, which we still haven't bought... which I had but left because I didn't have anyone to help me move it. It's just that the more I think about how life is and what I've been experiencing, the more I realize I live in a fantasy world too often. I idealize situations that I think will change things for the better. I make those changes and more often than not, those situations are not what I envisioned. AT ALL.
I guess it's time to pick myself up from the mucky gross mud I fell flat on my face in. Brush off the mud, maybe take a shower.. and just deal with what ever comes my way, on my own.. by my self.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
What if...
I'm not a big believer in God and the Devil and so this idea is light hearted but, what if... There was a devil and his greatest prank was creating zealous people who tried very hard to make people believe in "their God" and "His beliefs" in which they sought out to make one another divide and judge one another, secretly condemning other people for actions they either wish to engage in themselves, or acts that they deme dirty and un-righteous because they just can not comprehend the human condition and do not understand how the human mind works.
What if... Those super religious people where really demons in disguise, trying to lure people away from the true teachings of "God" which of course would be, love one another, live in peace, help one another, do not judge one another, and forgive yourself and others. You know.. peace, love, and happiness.. ha haa.
What if... the secret to life is to just do what it takes to make sure others are taken care of.. making sure you take care of yourself.. your state of mind, your physical, mental, and emotional health. I truly believe that as a society we are medicating each other instead of communicating with each other.. hiding from our emotions instead of reaching out to one another when we are in need of help.. Living in a world consumed with money and wealth instead of health and wellness.. The "Devil's" ultimate joke.. turning humanity against itself, and creating a divided nation instead of a united nations..
What if... Those super religious people where really demons in disguise, trying to lure people away from the true teachings of "God" which of course would be, love one another, live in peace, help one another, do not judge one another, and forgive yourself and others. You know.. peace, love, and happiness.. ha haa.
What if... the secret to life is to just do what it takes to make sure others are taken care of.. making sure you take care of yourself.. your state of mind, your physical, mental, and emotional health. I truly believe that as a society we are medicating each other instead of communicating with each other.. hiding from our emotions instead of reaching out to one another when we are in need of help.. Living in a world consumed with money and wealth instead of health and wellness.. The "Devil's" ultimate joke.. turning humanity against itself, and creating a divided nation instead of a united nations..
Monday, October 28, 2013
Jesus
Here's what I believe about Jesus and the bible and being a Christian.
1. The story of Jesus is older than existence.. It is a story about being a good human being to one another.. A man taking care of a child that isn't his, raising him to be a good human being who helps others... Strangers giving gifts to help out struggling parents...
2. People shouldn't be worshiping Jesus, but rather God.. The story of Jesus is just that, a story to bring hope to humanity and to teach good qualities to humans.
3. Don't judge a book by it's cover, you never know what people are going through, so just try to help in little ways.. it will go a LONG way.
1. The story of Jesus is older than existence.. It is a story about being a good human being to one another.. A man taking care of a child that isn't his, raising him to be a good human being who helps others... Strangers giving gifts to help out struggling parents...
2. People shouldn't be worshiping Jesus, but rather God.. The story of Jesus is just that, a story to bring hope to humanity and to teach good qualities to humans.
3. Don't judge a book by it's cover, you never know what people are going through, so just try to help in little ways.. it will go a LONG way.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Why Jesus isn't important to believe in
Jesus is not the first and only person in literature or stories that has had that particular existence. Did you know that?
Oedipus, Theseus, Jesus, Romulus, Hercules, Perseus, Zeus, Jason, Robin Hood, Apollo- they all share the same existence. It's a "hero's story" and it's generally the same. Lord Raglan wrote about The Hero and created a hero score card made up of 22 points. 13 of which Jesus meets.
1. Hero's mother is a royal virgin;
2. His father is a king, and
3. Often a near relative of his mother, but
4. The circumstances of his conception are unusual, and
5. He is also reputed to be the son of a god.
6. At birth an attempt is made, usually by his father or his maternal grand father to kill him, but
7. he is spirited away, and
8. Reared by foster -parents in a far country.
9. We are told nothing of his childhood, but
10. On reaching manhood he returns or goes to his future Kingdom.
11. After a victory over the king and/or a giant, dragon, or wild beast,
12. He marries a princess, often the daughter of his predecessor and
13. And becomes king.
14. For a time he reigns uneventfully and
15. Prescribes laws, but
16. Later he loses favor with the gods and/or his subjects, and
17. Is driven from the throne and city, after which
18. He meets with a mysterious death,
19. Often at the top of a hill,
20. His children, if any do not succeed him.
21. His body is not buried, but nevertheless
22. He has one or more holy sepulchers.
Oedipus, Theseus, Jesus, Romulus, Hercules, Perseus, Zeus, Jason, Robin Hood, Apollo- they all share the same existence. It's a "hero's story" and it's generally the same. Lord Raglan wrote about The Hero and created a hero score card made up of 22 points. 13 of which Jesus meets.
1. Hero's mother is a royal virgin;
2. His father is a king, and
3. Often a near relative of his mother, but
4. The circumstances of his conception are unusual, and
5. He is also reputed to be the son of a god.
6. At birth an attempt is made, usually by his father or his maternal grand father to kill him, but
7. he is spirited away, and
8. Reared by foster -parents in a far country.
9. We are told nothing of his childhood, but
10. On reaching manhood he returns or goes to his future Kingdom.
11. After a victory over the king and/or a giant, dragon, or wild beast,
12. He marries a princess, often the daughter of his predecessor and
13. And becomes king.
14. For a time he reigns uneventfully and
15. Prescribes laws, but
16. Later he loses favor with the gods and/or his subjects, and
17. Is driven from the throne and city, after which
18. He meets with a mysterious death,
19. Often at the top of a hill,
20. His children, if any do not succeed him.
21. His body is not buried, but nevertheless
22. He has one or more holy sepulchers.
Stories are great for explaining things we don't really understand. Facts are there as proof, sometimes finding facts to prove what we think is hard, especially if what we believe is an abstract concept.
Isn't it time for people to realize that God isn't a hateful, vengeful entity but an all loving and accepting entity? Why would God want us to destroy each other? Why would God want us to hate one another?
so what happens to us when we die? Where does reincarnation fall into? Why not believe in mythical creatures, mother nature and father time?
Do you really think God intended for the bible to be a literal, factual book or truth, that every single person on earth must follow and abide by because that would be centuries of cultures filling up "hell" while the rest of the "God fearing Christians" get to go to Heaven but only if they've accepted another human being who claims to be able to perform magical illusions and is a child of God, yet he says we are all children of God.. contradictory right? The catholic religion states that a person must believe in Jesus Christ and that when Pagans pointed out that the story of Jesus has been told by many cultures throughout time with mostly the name changing (hero story) and why must we accept that this one time, this one story, this one man is the one true adaptation? Oh, because the devil told those stories so that the Christians would be disproved.. Oh. that makes sense.
Read this: Is this the kind of God we should be worshiping and thankful for? Really?
Luke 19:27 http://bible.cc/luke/19-27.htm
Leviticus 18:22 http://bible.cc/leviticus/18-22.htm
Mark 3:29 http://bible.cc/mark/3-29.htm
I don't feel it is true. I believe in a Loving, Caring God who provides us with the knowledge to exist and do what is right. Live life in all it's glory, good and bad. To experience, to help one another, to learn about the human existence. Namaste
What the #$*! is God anyway?
Here's how I see it.
I see lots of people writing about how unhappy they are in life, no money, no cars, bad health, shitty situations, death or loss of something important. I see people say this a LOT: Let God handle it, pray to God, God will take care of you...
and you know what? It's partly true. But people see to misunderstand what God is.
God is not a human being, God does not have human emotions. God does not work the same way human beings work, therefore scriptures written by humans are often subject to human emotions.
God is infinite wisdom.
God is hatred, murder and disease, God is life, love, understanding and compassion.
God is all the good and all the bad in the world.
God is everything and in everyone. This does not mean everyone is a God. God is within everyone because we are capable of being good or bad and since God is both, Ying and Yang, God is within us all.
God is the universe.
Without the good there would be no bad.
Without the bad, there would be no good.
How would we know what is good if we didn't experience the bad. How would we know bad things exists if we didn't know what was good?
If you pray to God for patience, you will get more situations in your life win which to display patience. You will not be given the ability to be completely patient in every situation.. it is up to you to display patience when it is needed. Life is full of tests, what you want most you ask for and it is up to you to make the change within yourself to achieve true happiness.
If you pray for success, you will be given a chance to act upon it, it is NOT up to God to supply you with things directly, but with the knowledge (intuition) to make it so. It is up to you to act upon the circumstances when they arrive. You have to trust your intuition because that is God giving you hints, whispering to your soul, the answers that you seek. Trust your gut- if it seems like a bad idea, it probably is, if you feel an urge, listen to it, try to understand it.
heaven and Hell are human beings creation- some people need something to visualize. Heaven and Hell are the beautiful and ugly parts of human life. There is no actual place of damnation like hell. It is a manifestation of all bad things, feelings, actions. There are good and bad forces out there,however people are easily confused and easily convinced or manipulated so it is important to understand God.
That is why there is good and bad in the world, that is why God "allows" bad things to happen to good people and bad people to help weigh the balance of good people in the world. It is about balance, it is about coexisting, it is about allowing life to live. There has to be evil in this world so that good has something to compare to.
God comes in many forms, as a human being such as Krishna, Jesus, Mohamed, Saints... God is within everyone, as I said before God is both Good and bad, Ying and Yang. The sun and Moon, Good people and bad people. This does not mean we are all gods, but that we are all connected, we are all one, we are all one with God. We are here on earth to experience life, we are here to experience good and bad. We are meant to touch peoples lives whether it be for better or worse.
God comes to us in abstract ways also.
Sunshine
Beautiful landscapes
Strangers who know just what to say
Funny quotes that inspire, infuriate and explain
Children's perceptions of what life is and how it works
We are all here with a purpose, we all touch lives whether or not we are aware of it, we all touch lives even when we don't know we're doing it. It's the human connection. God working within us.
We as human beings, are not perfect and we never will be. There are amazing people who accomplish great feats, however we all die. God is an infinite being with no beginning and no end.
Humans need stories to be able to grasp abstract concepts such as consciousness, understanding, and tolerance of differences.
It blows me away that people will call themselves Godly or put labels on religion such as Christianity or Buddhism, yet they feel contempt and hatred for such things as silly as a boy wearing girls cloths or people getting tattoos- because God is within all of us and within everything we should always try first to love and accept differences rather than persecute people for having feelings or thoughts that differ from their own!
Another thing, God has come in many forms, people, animal, plants, water, air, fire...
God gave us earth and God can take it away. Be appreciative of life. Coexist is the main message.
I see lots of people writing about how unhappy they are in life, no money, no cars, bad health, shitty situations, death or loss of something important. I see people say this a LOT: Let God handle it, pray to God, God will take care of you...
and you know what? It's partly true. But people see to misunderstand what God is.
God is not a human being, God does not have human emotions. God does not work the same way human beings work, therefore scriptures written by humans are often subject to human emotions.
God is infinite wisdom.
God is hatred, murder and disease, God is life, love, understanding and compassion.
God is all the good and all the bad in the world.
God is everything and in everyone. This does not mean everyone is a God. God is within everyone because we are capable of being good or bad and since God is both, Ying and Yang, God is within us all.
God is the universe.
Without the good there would be no bad.
Without the bad, there would be no good.
How would we know what is good if we didn't experience the bad. How would we know bad things exists if we didn't know what was good?
If you pray to God for patience, you will get more situations in your life win which to display patience. You will not be given the ability to be completely patient in every situation.. it is up to you to display patience when it is needed. Life is full of tests, what you want most you ask for and it is up to you to make the change within yourself to achieve true happiness.
If you pray for success, you will be given a chance to act upon it, it is NOT up to God to supply you with things directly, but with the knowledge (intuition) to make it so. It is up to you to act upon the circumstances when they arrive. You have to trust your intuition because that is God giving you hints, whispering to your soul, the answers that you seek. Trust your gut- if it seems like a bad idea, it probably is, if you feel an urge, listen to it, try to understand it.
heaven and Hell are human beings creation- some people need something to visualize. Heaven and Hell are the beautiful and ugly parts of human life. There is no actual place of damnation like hell. It is a manifestation of all bad things, feelings, actions. There are good and bad forces out there,however people are easily confused and easily convinced or manipulated so it is important to understand God.
That is why there is good and bad in the world, that is why God "allows" bad things to happen to good people and bad people to help weigh the balance of good people in the world. It is about balance, it is about coexisting, it is about allowing life to live. There has to be evil in this world so that good has something to compare to.
God comes in many forms, as a human being such as Krishna, Jesus, Mohamed, Saints... God is within everyone, as I said before God is both Good and bad, Ying and Yang. The sun and Moon, Good people and bad people. This does not mean we are all gods, but that we are all connected, we are all one, we are all one with God. We are here on earth to experience life, we are here to experience good and bad. We are meant to touch peoples lives whether it be for better or worse.
God comes to us in abstract ways also.
Sunshine
Beautiful landscapes
Strangers who know just what to say
Funny quotes that inspire, infuriate and explain
Children's perceptions of what life is and how it works
We are all here with a purpose, we all touch lives whether or not we are aware of it, we all touch lives even when we don't know we're doing it. It's the human connection. God working within us.
We as human beings, are not perfect and we never will be. There are amazing people who accomplish great feats, however we all die. God is an infinite being with no beginning and no end.
Humans need stories to be able to grasp abstract concepts such as consciousness, understanding, and tolerance of differences.
It blows me away that people will call themselves Godly or put labels on religion such as Christianity or Buddhism, yet they feel contempt and hatred for such things as silly as a boy wearing girls cloths or people getting tattoos- because God is within all of us and within everything we should always try first to love and accept differences rather than persecute people for having feelings or thoughts that differ from their own!
Another thing, God has come in many forms, people, animal, plants, water, air, fire...
God gave us earth and God can take it away. Be appreciative of life. Coexist is the main message.
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