I lost everything I had ever owned and became homeless at the age of 36. I did however have my two amazingly strong willed and intelligent boys and my courageous and spiritually uplifting twinflame.
It all in 2012 when I left my alocholic, sex addict, closet meth addicted husband and tried to move forward with my life by living with another meth addict who was trying to make me be in an open relationship where I had a girlfriend and he explored his own sexuality. I didnt know he was addicted to meth. He hid that from me on purpose because he knew I wouldnt want to be with him if I knew. He was my firat kiss from childhhod. Were friends for 23 years. Thought I could trust him. So, I moved all the way to East Texas to live with him, faaaaaar away from my children only to realize I made a huge mistake, but I was stuck in the fantasy that he would get clean and he would end up being the most amazing step dad to my children because he could relate to them as he also has a brother 3 years younger than him. We moved to East Texas because he was working in West Texas on an oil rig and his boss said east texas was beautiful. It is exactly like montana where we grew up. I felt at home. We couldnt live in Colorado because he had a felony drug charge from 1999. He said that was in his past and was no longer involved with drugs, he was lying right to my face and I even know it. I was living in a fantasy world. I would have 2 weeks all to myself because he worked on an oil rig. This was a glorious moment in my life because I had just spent the last 8 years dealing with an emotional, mental, and sexually abusive alcoholic who was quietly doing coke and meth behind my back. He told Ashley, the woman he lived with while I was with Ryan in Texas, that I was too stupid and naieve to know when he was on drugs so who knows how much he did or how often as I was being lied to a daily basis. Because my background of growing up in rural montana made me naieve to the drug using world I had no idea the behaviors of a drug addict were let alone what drugs looked like or where one might keep them.
It was glorious because it was the first time I was alone in life and i sat out on a boat dock on a lake in comeplete peace and wrote. I wrote about my life and i forgave everyone I am about to write about and I found inner peace.
I gave up my naivety when I moved in with Ryan. He taught me about letting loose and how to be a functional user of drugs and alcohol. When I was living with Ryan, his brother came down to visit and he brough a shitload of meth with him. A shitload of weed which I smoked the shit out of because I was actually scared to be around meth and all these people just nonchalantly smoking it. It was the first time I had ever been exposed to it. It made me high but not in a good way. Not the way marijuana makes me feel high or good. It was a bad high, an awake high. It would make me be awake for 3 days in a row. I would be hungry but I would chew and chew and chew and never feel like swallowing. I took pictures of myself to see if I could see a difference. I would be out in public and wonder if people could tell. I know I can tell the difference when someone is stoned on marijuana vs meth, but only a habitual user of meth because they have warning signs. Like irritability, every little thing makes them react.. In a big way. They have zero patience. Zero patience for kids, noises, people around them. Its as if their heightened senses make them unable to handle life any more. They want to clean, organize, rearrange, be alone, tear things apart and then try to put it back together. They want to have sex for extended periods of time. Men want to have prostrates tickled. Meth turns men gay. There is a "gay agenda" put of by the "devil" because meth was created by the devil, just like religion was. (Side : bith Jarrod and Ryan had gay relationships without me and kept it secret from me. Jarrods was before me, which he confessed . Ryan put a craigslist ad out saying he had meth and wanted to get fuck and suck a cock after getting really high) Meth stimulates the mind. It called to , it had a womans voice that said my name. It said come over here and smoke me, I know you . i didnt ever again. That freaked me out and i realized that it was calling to me, thats how they get addicted. I am not addicted to anything. I used to smoke ciggerettes. i quit in 2014 and havent looked back. I started smoking because Elke the german foreign exchange student we had in High School did and she said it made me look cool and sexy and showed me hold it so i looked sexy while doing it. I smoked for 16 years.
Everytime I encountered one of these aspects of the user, I had a flashback of Jarrod and I realized when he was on drugs. Everytime he was on something and had to have sex. I was his sex meat puppet. Made for his pleasure and he did sexually toturous things to me. The kind of porn he was into was abusive porn. He wanted to emulate it and i played the part. i was an actress and i was playing the part of a whore. I was taught this behavior over the course of my life. i have been sexually abused my whole life. This is my story.
Parts and pieces. Memories. Flashbacks. Parts of my life that few people know of. My partner today knows everything. I have healed over the years. I have come to forgive myself for being taught to be a sex kitten, a cum guzzling super whore. It makes you feel ashamed of yourself and keeps you in the low frequency vibrations. Makes you feel guilty for your feelings and your actions. Makes you do drugs and alcohol to feel something other than hatred for yourself and pain in your heart. It certainly doesnt make you feel happy although it maskes itself as happiness.
I was a loner as a child because of my starseed origins. I was more of an observer throughout life. Like a disconnected human driving a body that I barely knew how to operate. I have been this way all of my life. If you know who the Spok from the show star Trek, thats how I have felt all my life. Disconnected.
When I was a small child, in a crib, i would rock myself to sleep. Lay on my side and throw myself forward and back, rocking on my shoulder. When I was awake I wanted to rock while sitting. I rocked in my sleep til i was 15 when i started becoming interested in sex and wantwd to sleep with my , i thought what would he say me thrashing around in bed to get to sleep. If I was on a stationary chair i would slide my hands in between the top back cushion and the butt cushion, grab hold of the top cushion and proceed to lean forward and throw myself backwards, bouncing my body off the chair. Just like swinging in a swing. My family was worried about brain damage. I was born in 1981. Not only was my mom 42 when she had me which put me in a category for at risk for retardation but after I was born I was lactose intolerant which made me have gas all the time which is painful and it made me cry a lot as a baby. Gas pains all my life... Feels like a knife has been stabbed into my vagina and rectum and once in awhile it moves which causes a sharp pain deep inside. It sucks. So not only did they think I was retarded but I cried a lot. Then I was molested by this guy my mom and dad were trying to help out. They moved some homeless guy in to their home and he molested me and abused me and taught my brother who is 9 years older than me that it was ok to treat me that way and it was ok to practice sex on me. As far as I can remember he only finger touched my vagina. He was about 14 and I was about 5. We had just moved to a new bigger town, my mom and dad just got divorced and he moved back to Texas because my mom was making it hard for him to see me at all. I was told that when i turned 13 I would be able to choose where I lived. I chose to live with my mom because i wanted to be taken care , not be the care taker of a parent. I didnt want to clean the house, i wanted a clean house to live in. My mom didnt make me do my own laundry or wash the dishes or clean the house. I had no chores. I was free.
After moving to havre when i was 5, after my brother woke me up in the middle of the night to ask me if he could tickle my pitty potty and ask me if it felt .. I told my mom. I was intrigued by this new tickle and wanted to do it to myself all the time to which my brother told me no and that if i did it he would hurt me. He hurt me a lot in my life. when i became a teenager i realized i could hurt him back and did so . i thought it was normal brother sister picking on each other. When i was little, 6 and 7 i lived close to my sisters apartment building and they had a playground there where all the neighbirhoid kids play. I would go over there and play with my twin nieces and nephew and "watch" them because i was older. There was an older boy who lived around there and he would choke me and hit me to the ground. He would punch me in my stomache and call me names and say bad things to me. He would be my 3rd male abuser now. I took the abuse so that he wouldnt pick on the other kids. I had literally been abused every year of my life. I went to school and abused other kids. I would say mean things to them and kick them just to be mean however i knew immediatly that it was wrong and it didnt make me feel good. . I was learning hate and i was getting no loving attention at home. My mother was being secretly abused by her new husband who was a closet alcoholic. When he got drunk at home one day he started abusing my mom and I ran downstairs. I remember hearing her cry out and being strangled my the telephone cord. I honestly cant remember how it stopped. I remember we moved after that. I remember that house and how it had a locking downstairs. It had a one bedroom apt in the basement with its own entance to the outside. i remember before he abused her and after my brother graduated high school she moved me down there and told me to lock the door always. I remember how he used to walk by me and grab my leg, my thigh and squeeze and he would squeeze up my thigh near my crotch but never on my crotch. But close. My mom worked nights . my brother was in high school living in the apt . i wet the bed til i was 10. I was a deep sleeper. Was a deep sleeper because i was being molested in my sleep.. I have blocked it so i cant be for sure but thats when the majority of the molestation had happened.
When i was 13 we were living with my moms first husband Jon, my brother and sisters' dad. Mom and Jon had 5 kids. 2 girls. 10 years later 2 more , both 1 yr apart from each other. And then my brother was a few years younger.. I dont know exactly and i dont care about the details. I am 9 years younger than my brother and i have a diff father. I am called a change of life baby. Mother was 42 and thought she couldnt have any more babies.
So, my mother has escaped her alcoholic 3rd and is now seeking refuge in her 1st husbands house. We live upstairs and he stays downstairs and we have dinner together and i wonder they ever got a divorce in the first place. So I turn 13 and stay with my sister for a summer in colorado. She tries to dye my hair but it turns orange. I had walked in some sticky nettle back home in the mountains in montana and the nettle stung , when i itch the stings it releases a dye and now my legs are stained blotchy red all summer. In colorado i meet a cute boy who is the same age as me. We kiss all summer and back home i am being pressured to lose my virginity. This group of older boys wants to be the first.. They are all competing and on which one i will go for. I pressure this boy to have sex with me but we never do. I am thankful and relieved because i dont feel ready. I go back home and am filled with stories about how fucked up my mom is and how her her 1st husband had performed witchcraft and various rituals out on their farm in shelby. My sister tells me stories about having to stay out on the porch where strange things happen. She tells me how scary it was growing up with them and how scared she is for me. i am intregued by the witchcraft stories because i feel as though i am a natural witch, a pagan by nature. This is about the time i start listening to the Eurythmics and talking to Jon about life . One day my guy friends drive to my house and want to take me for a drive around the block because he just got his license. These are the good boys and not the ones pressuring me to lose my virginity. Jon comes out of the house and starts yelling at me and yelling at the boys loses his shit completly.. We move into our own place. Just me and my mom. The next summer I go back to colorado and my sisters husband takes me out and drives me around colorado. He stops and gets a few 4 pks of wine coolers and we drive around colorado and he lets me drink. He says we need to stop at the park and get rid of the bottles because my sister would kill him if she found out he let me drink. Then he gives me a piggy backridev to the garbage and a ride back. Then i get off his back when we get to the van and he pushes me against the van and starts to feel me up and kissing my neck and forcing hmself on me. He keeps trying to pull my bra down and trying to get my cloths off and opens the vannand tried to get in there. I am crying no and to stop, pulling my shirt down and moving away from his alcohol drenched breath while blocking his hands and moving away from the door.. Whole time. It kissing him back not giving cnt in any way.he is telling nebtt itbis ok. He get me pregnant because he had vasectomy. I am telling him it is not ok because he is my sisters husband. I am 14. I am told to go find some kids my age and to hang out with them by my sister. I meet a boy at a grocery store down the road from where she lives. He takes me to the movies. We walk to the movie theatre, stop at a where there are some kids and smoke weed with them but it is laced with PCP. I am not aware of this. We then go to wendys where i start tripping and the cashiers voice is quiet and i have a hard time hearing her. then i order but she has a time hearing me so get louder. Then everything goes into purple and white heat sensor and i realize something is wrong and i go sit down. I see a mother and daughter sitting close by and i think i might not ever see my mom again. I think about how i have no ID and that i could die soon and no one woud ever know the truth and i might be on one of those runaway posters. I feel bad for my mom she would think the wrong things. It was a very scary moment for me. We left and went to the movies where we made out and then i went to his friends house. Basically it was a single dad who cared very much for all these kids who lived in his apt complex. This boy had been kicked out by his mom. He was missing a front tooth and prided himself on being irish and a fighter. He was my protector against jeff. This boy slipped his dick into my ass when we were having sex and i was on top. At least i wwasntgoing to get pregnant. I wasnt on birth control yet. I mostly just wanted to make out. I was hell bent on not giving a shit about feelings of any kind no one was safe. I had saved myself for "the one " a football player with blue eyes and blonde hair. Another virgin. A taurus. The kid of a farmer. Good kid. I only wanted one partner forever. i wanted the love of my life. I wanted to lose my virginity to him and for him to love me forever and it didnt matter that there were other men out there..as long as he loved me and protected me and kept me safe from all men then he was all i needed and the desire to be with other men wouldnt matter because all my needs were being met. Thats not how he saw it. He cheated on me and it broke my heart into million pieces. I wouldnt take anyone seriously for a very long time. I would be the one to break hearts and i did.
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